If you know me very well you know that this silence isn’t because there isn’t anything to share.

Actually it is most likely to mean that there is so much to say that I have been in prayer over processing things before sharing with you all. I could chose to just remain silent, but the prompting on my spirit to share these things with you must be answered.

I would love to share that things have gotten quiet and that the storm is finally starting to pass.

But it isn’t.

I have said over and over that the month of October, while our Miranda fought for her life, was the easy part. These months since have been increasingly difficult.

Today Miranda would be nine months old.

Instead of writing updates of the milestones she’s hitting I am contemplating the design of a grave stone.

I still struggle to wrap my mind around that.

Yes, time has gone on and our lives have continued. There is still laughter and smiles in our home and there are also tears and frustration. There is someone missing and that will never go away. Time may dull the newness of the pain but it doesn’t erase it.

Time doesn’t heal, God does.

His healing happens each time I bring my pain to Him. It is a process and a daily challenge.

I can not fill you in on everything that is going on in one post, so there is quite a bit more coming. This post was just to let you know that those updates are coming because it is important for me to share this with you. We are so grateful for the love and support we’ve received in these months and know that you all have great concern for how our family is healing.

Thank you for keeping our family in your sincere prayers.

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I’m feeling a little conflicted.

I am a mother.

I don’t want it qualified by whether my children are living or dead.

I’m just that, a mother.

Next Sunday I will celebrate with my living children and I will miss my Miranda.

In other words, it will be a day like any other.

I truly appreciate that there are groups that are seeking to help heal the wounds of pregnancy, infant, and child loss. I can’t imagine having to just ignore the loss of my daughter. And I thank those of you who thought of or prayed for me yesterday (and everyday).

I just don’t want to isolate myself from life.

Because I am still living.

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Last week after our family group the chaplain honored my request for one last walk through the PICU, most of these pictures are from that walk. I was able to go all the way to the end of the hall to the suite where Miranda had been (thankfully the bay she had was not filled with an ECMO bed this time), I also saw the room that I held her body in.

And I left the PICU and will never return.

This was the sign that greeted you as you entered the JHH PICU.

And for this milestone weekend I was away from my family. I attended the 2:1 Conference from the 27th-29th. There were many tears on the drive down to Virginia and a few that first night as well. Thankfully I wasn’t with people who stared at me awkwardly wondering when I’d gain control. I was with sisters in Christ who understood grief.

When Vince and I arrived from UMMC we went up to the 7th floor of the JHH to the PICU and waited to be told what was happening with our little one.

One of my roommates knows what it is like to live life after losing both of her parents tragically without warning.

The sweet friend I shared a dinner table with on Friday lost her sweet 5th child when she was 7 months old.

The dear friend that sat next to me in Amy’s break-out session on Saturday lost her home last year to a fire, and she had brought her precious little one with her.

This is Stephanie's little guy. The first time I saw him I *knew* he was right around the age Miranda would be. Sure enough he was born just 2 weeks after her. He blessed my heart.

God knew what I needed this weekend. This was not plan B. There were tears. But they were good.

I’m okay with not being able to go back. We have chosen to go forward since the day Miranda was born. Losing her did not change our direction, it just jostled the path.

This room. It was the first room on the unit we were brought to. It was the room I used to pump for 28 days. It was the last room we sat in after Miranda died. It was the room where we signed all the papers.

He has more planned for us. We don’t know exactly what that is, we just keep walking through the doors He opens:

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”-Phillipians 1:6

This post is part of the monthly link-up at Still Standing Online Magazine

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When I was 16 I understood that I was a sinner and that Christ had paid the price for my sins on the cross.

After I started having children I understood how important my relationship with my Savior is.

I also really started to thirst for being a woman of God and a helpmeet to my husband.

…then I gave birth to my sixth child and I held her while she died four weeks later.

Now when I look at the cross I not only see the payment of my sins, the gifts of grace and mercy. Now I see more clearly the hope of eternity.

If it were not for the cross and the empty tomb three days later I would not have the hope of reunion with Miranda. If it were not for the resurrection of my Lord I would be lost in the despair of grief.

He provided a way for completion. I accepted it and I await the day He welcomes me home, the day my family will be one together worshiping before the Throne. The day when the trials we face here in life will not even be a memory.

It will not matter because we will be whole again.

Today we celebrate His resurrection, the fulfillment of scripture and the HOPE of what lies before us in eternity.

“Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift.” 2 Corinthians 9:15

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