I’m feeling a little conflicted.

I am a mother.

I don’t want it qualified by whether my children are living or dead.

I’m just that, a mother.

Next Sunday I will celebrate with my living children and I will miss my Miranda.

In other words, it will be a day like any other.

I truly appreciate that there are groups that are seeking to help heal the wounds of pregnancy, infant, and child loss. I can’t imagine having to just ignore the loss of my daughter. And I thank those of you who thought of or prayed for me yesterday (and everyday).

I just don’t want to isolate myself from life.

Because I am still living.

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Last week after our family group the chaplain honored my request for one last walk through the PICU, most of these pictures are from that walk. I was able to go all the way to the end of the hall to the suite where Miranda had been (thankfully the bay she had was not filled with an ECMO bed this time), I also saw the room that I held her body in.

And I left the PICU and will never return.

This was the sign that greeted you as you entered the JHH PICU.

And for this milestone weekend I was away from my family. I attended the 2:1 Conference from the 27th-29th. There were many tears on the drive down to Virginia and a few that first night as well. Thankfully I wasn’t with people who stared at me awkwardly wondering when I’d gain control. I was with sisters in Christ who understood grief.

When Vince and I arrived from UMMC we went up to the 7th floor of the JHH to the PICU and waited to be told what was happening with our little one.

One of my roommates knows what it is like to live life after losing both of her parents tragically without warning.

The sweet friend I shared a dinner table with on Friday lost her sweet 5th child when she was 7 months old.

The dear friend that sat next to me in Amy’s break-out session on Saturday lost her home last year to a fire, and she had brought her precious little one with her.

This is Stephanie's little guy. The first time I saw him I *knew* he was right around the age Miranda would be. Sure enough he was born just 2 weeks after her. He blessed my heart.

God knew what I needed this weekend. This was not plan B. There were tears. But they were good.

I’m okay with not being able to go back. We have chosen to go forward since the day Miranda was born. Losing her did not change our direction, it just jostled the path.

This room. It was the first room on the unit we were brought to. It was the room I used to pump for 28 days. It was the last room we sat in after Miranda died. It was the room where we signed all the papers.

He has more planned for us. We don’t know exactly what that is, we just keep walking through the doors He opens:

“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”-Phillipians 1:6

This post is part of the monthly link-up at Still Standing Online Magazine

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As part of the kick-off I’m joining other attendees and posting

“10 Things #2to1Conf Attendees Should Know About Me”

10. This is the first homeschool, blogging, or homeschool-blogging convention I’ve ever attended. (…and I’m a little intimidated at some of the names I’ll be in attendance with, I respect the voice you all have through your blogs and elsewhere, a little “star-struck” I guess)

9. This is only our second year schooling at home. (…and it’s been harder than I ever could have imagined and excellent for all the same reasons)

8. I am a kinesthetic learner so if I’m in your session and I’m knitting, doodling, drawing or lettering I really am paying attention, it’s just the way I learn. (…I’m sure there are more than a few of you that understand)

7. I’m hoping that the hotel has a hot tub along with the pool. (…but lets face it, it’s been a rough year and I don’t exactly want to put on a swim suit)

6. Although I’m a skirt-wearing, backyard-gardening, bread-baking, laundry soap-making, shawl-knitting, yarn-spinning, wool-dyeing, suburb-living momma I’ll always have an NYC heart deep down. (…but no, I don’t say caw-fee)

5. Because of #6 (and the fact that I’m Italian-American) I’ll always be a food snob. (…and I don’t think it is a bad thing)

4. I’ve been married to my wonderful husband for a little over ten years (he’s so awesome that when I first entered a giveaway for the conference he said “Can I sponsor you?”) and the Lord has blessed us with 6 beautiful children. (…our sweet Miranda went home to Him in October 2011)

3. I’m a little apprehensive about the weekend because the dates are very significant to me and it’s still a bit raw. (…but I know how good God is and that I will be in the company of a number of women who know exactly what it feels like)

2. This year has been a battle in so many ways. (…I am so looking forward for a few days to catch my breath)

1. I can’t wait to see what God has planned for this weekend and the changes that will happen when like-minded women seek Him first and purpose to encourage one another in their work to glorify Him. (Jeremiah 29:13, Matthew 6:23, 1Thessalonians 5:11, Roman 15:5)

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What in the world is that you ask?

It’s an excuse for thousands of crazy people that maintain a blog (or facebook, or twitter) to have a “show and tell” across the great wide wonderful virtual world.

…and I wanna play too.

Until now most (if not all) of my readers are those who have a “real-life” connection to me (hello to my beautiful sisters and aunts and mom and nanny and my darling husband and my lovely friends and sisters in Christ). There have also been a few of you that I have known online for a while either through Ravelry or Hyena Cart and the like (love to you all too!).

This past fall when our family went through the darkest hours of letting go of our daughter Miranda I hesitantly blogged about it so that I didn’t have to tell the story one thousand other times and those that loved us could read what was going on in our trial.

…and a funny thing happened.

I started getting readers that I had never met but shared an unimaginable bond with. I was let into an intimate network of sisters who were walking similar paths. Even more amazing was finding a network of sisters that had not forsaken their faith in a Savior that is just, even through the nightmare.

Healing is a process, kind of like a scraped knee. It doesn’t (usually) just get better over night, a scab has to form, that often gets picked or snagged off and must form again, sometimes multiple times, and when it is finally healed the skin is not often the same as it began, there is a scar. The knee probably still works as well as before, but it is forever marked.

For me blogging is a bit like that.

My posts will range from introspective when the scab has been freshly ripped off, or just be a recap of daily life, our home-schooling, or showing off my baking prowess on those days where the scab is there but dulled over a bit.

Our lives are irreversibly changed by the loss of Miranda, but grief does not define me or my family, our faith in a righteous Savior does.

…all the rest are minor details.

I’m Lisa, otherwise known as Lei, Leimarie, Mom, Sis, the woman behind CreativLEI… and this is my blog.

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