I’ve been keeping a secret. Well, unless you’ve seen me in the past few weeks (because it really isn’t a secret if you’ve seen my belly).

This past July we found that we were pregnant and are looking forward, filled with hope but also a bit of trepidation, to welcoming our rainbow baby this March.

[pinit]
Why a rainbow? In the infant loss community, a baby born after loss is sometimes called a rainbow. For me the meaning is multifaceted.

After the flood, God placed the rainbow in the sky to serve as a symbol to Noah and his family that never again would he allow the entire earth to be covered in the waters. For me it is a reminder that although there will still be many tough days ahead and we are not protected from further loss, all will not be destroyed.

There is hope through the storm.

It doesn’t mean that we are done grieving Miranda. On the contrary, I miss her even more. She’s a big sister, but this little one won’t get to see her face this side of Heaven.

The hope of this baby doesn’t lessen the pain of her loss, but it gives us assurance that good can come in the wake of pain.

Physically, this pregnancy has been just as easy as my others. Emotionally, it has been a great trial.

Our other children are excited and eagerly awaiting the day they’ll find out if this precious babe is a brother or a sister. They’re also very prayerful that this little one arrives safely. Their prayers serve as a reminder of the scars their little hearts bear as well.

Why keep the news a secret?

Well, we didn’t set out to keep it a secret, but the many emotions that this news entails have us guarding our hearts. A new life is great reason for joy, but coupled with that joy are our prayers that our Lord would calm our very real fears. We are incredibly blessed by the hope of this little one, but we know that only God knows the days of this precious little one’s life and sometimes the fear of what can’t be known by us puts a shadow over what used to be blissful pregnancy.

I’m sure if you’ve followed our journey for any length of time you have many questions.

Are we seeing a midwife? Will this baby be born at home? Will this be our last baby? Is it a boy or a girl? How am I feeling?

I’ll answer those questions, but not in this post. 😉 They each deserve their own time.

Today I am 21 weeks and 4 days pregnant and I thank God for each moment of the journey.

I’m beginning to think that the journey of grief never really has an end while we’re on this earth.

The sun rises and sets on each day, but grief never fully passes.

Each day that passes brings me closer to eternity with my Savior and reunion with my daughter and any other babies He calls Home before I am blessed to meet them. But each day also brings a bitter-sweetness.

Day 31 of Capture Your Grief: Sunset

I chose to share a picture of the sunset on our last night in FL for a few reasons…

This was our first real vacation as a family. An incomplete family. It brought me the realization that no matter what happens in the future, we will never be a complete family until we are in Heaven.

No matter how many of us there are and how full our room, van, or home may be, we will never ever be complete here on earth.

I also hared this picture as a reminder of the unpredictability of our lives here. I wasn’t able to capture a sunset picture on the 31st.

We returned home a few days after I captured this sunset, to preparations and predictions of Hurricane Sandy.

Our home was thankfully spared any damage… but my family and hometown were not.

Just two days after we remembered the anniversary of Miranda’s death, my parents would face the devastating flooding and damage of my childhood home.

The home that they have spent over 30 years building was destroyed in moments as Sandy’s tidal surge battered Staten Island.

In the hours and days since their loss I’ve been placed into the uncomfortable position of being the person on the outside of loss, helpless to a situation that no one could prepare for. I am here watching what’s going on, wondering what the right things to say and do are, when I can’t be right by their side.

And once again the rawness of grief surfaces…

Each day that we’re blessed to witness sunrise and sunset means we’ve been blessed with one more day of life. But each day brings with it not only opportunity for blessing and joy, but also for more hurt in this fallen world. Clinging to the promise of eternity is what makes looking forward to ‘tomorrow’ possible.

I do look forward to tomorrow, and I pray the Lord will continue to go ahead of us, meeting us in our greatest times of need, even when we have a hard time reaching for Him with our broken hearts.

This journey doesn’t have a clear end, until we are each called home to Heaven.

 

 

**Capture Your Grief is a 31 day photo challenge created by CarlyMarie. For each day of the month during October (Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness) bereaved parents are encouraged to share their journey through photographs as a way to share the healing process. I am participating in this series and will resume sharing our homeschool journey, recipes, and life in general in November. Thank you for your thoughtful understanding while I share my heart this month.**

 

Recognition of the depth of grief surrounding the loss of a baby has come a long way from where it was in even the recent past, but for many it is still a taboo subject.

Day 30 of Capture Your Grief: Tell what you want the world to know about your journey through loss.

There isn’t much I ask for when it comes to how those around me deal with my loss.

I only hope that everyone will extend to me the grace they expect me to extend to them. I do realize how uncomfortable it is to be the person on the outside of loss.

There is no perfect thing to say or do.

There are three things that are very important to me:

• That I have the freedom to speak her name and that others aren’t afraid to mention it.
• That people remember Miranda is my 6th child. There is no one to erase or replace her. She will always be our daughter.
• That life is valued, no matter what stage. From conception until death there is life. The number of days are not what determine it’s meaning.

No one wants their child(ren) forgotten.

 

 

**Capture Your Grief is a 31 day photo challenge created by CarlyMarie. For each day of the month during October (Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness) bereaved parents are encouraged to share their journey through photographs as a way to share the healing process. I am participating in this series and will resume sharing our homeschool journey, recipes, and life in general in November. Thank you for your thoughtful understanding while I share my heart this month.**