The cautious expectation and arrival of a rainbow (or redemption) baby is nothing short of bittersweet glory. My redemption baby will turn 2 tomorrow and how quickly these days have passed is astonishing to me.
When Miranda died, my perspective and outlook completely changed.
In a matter of moments I got a hunger for Eternity.
That’s a very good thing… until it robs today of your intent and purpose.
I had five children left to raise, but my heart had gone on ahead of me to Heaven. I had no hope left for the day to day that required my attention. I knew my children needed me to be ‘all here’ (and I needed them and the monotony of their healthy, unexceptional routines), but I couldn’t get that message from my brain to my heart.
Grief is an exhausting journey.
I knew that another baby would NOT be the same as Miranda being returned to my arms. Having another child could not replace her.
Our family would always be incomplete here on earth.
I also knew that pregnancy was not a guarantee of a living or healthy baby… but I longed for the chance.
So much of ME stopped when Miranda died. I needed a jump-start back into living LIFE!
Maybe you couldn’t see this from the outside, you only witnessed as we went on, making it through each day and keeping up with our ‘normal’ lives.
Grief has a way of hiding in the depths of your heart.
Getting pregnant with Annalise was it’s own challenge. Pregnancy was no longer the simple, innocent, or a mere waiting game for birth. Losing Miranda and finding my place in the community of loss opened my eyes to how precarious and precious life is.
I still believe the God is in control and is good, but I have a full understanding that His will and my hearts desires are not always the same and I can’t will Him into my ideas with my prayers. I also know that a faith-filled life is not one devoid of loss and pain.
Annalise arrived, healthy and screaming, pink and beautiful.
However, with every precious milestone reached… I miss her sister, but I thank God for giving me this sweet consolation of great blessing.
No moment is a small matter and no tomorrow is ever promised.
Our Annalise Hope has brought more smiles, and laughter to our home that sorely needed the love of a spirited little pipsqueak.
Have you experienced a rainbow pregnancy, or is your heart is longing for a rainbow baby? I relate to the feelings of your heart being tugged in different directions.
Two of the books I found helpful in my season of waiting:
What are some ways that you’re taking care of your heart in this season?
Our rainbow baby is 5 weeks old tomorrow. The emotions that ran through me as his due date approached is something that I don’t think others understand unless they’ve been through a storm. I eagerly awaited his arrival and yet felt grief…guilt even at the anticipation of meeting him. Josiah has brought joy to our lives but the children and I have found ourselves longing more than ever to meet Esther. I have not been able to bring myself to go to the cemetery since the 7th month of Josiah’s pregnancy. It overwhelms me to think that through Esther’s death I now have a beautiful baby boy.
On the other side of my emotions there is thanksgiving. My first 3 pregnancies were induced. I never had been able to have a contraction on my own. I woke up in labor with Esther which placed a shred of hope in me that my body would be able to do what it needed to do in order to bring Josiah into this world without the aid of drugs. God did bless me with that. Her loss allowed my body to bear and bring forth a beautiful little boy. Beyond a doubt he is my song that rose “from the ashes of a broken life”.
Tami, I am so sorry for your loss of Esther. <3 May the coming days and milestones with your sweet rainbow be full of joy that overshadows the grief. The dance of their coexistence is a tricky one, but the strength of faith from this trial is immeasurable.