Day 2 of Capture Your Grief: Before Loss
Today we were asked to share a self-portrait from before our loss(es).
Miranda was the 6th child I carried, and I am ashamed to admit I operated under the assumption that a confirmed pregnancy ended in a new member in the family.
I am embarrassed when I think of myself telling the ultrasound tech that she didn’t need to worry about sending me home with many photos from our scans. I assumed I’d have a lifetime to capture my little one with my camera.
I took this picture on May 17, 2011. I was blissfully pregnant with Miranda. I was over 5 months pregnant and everything to that point looked just as it should. I was healthy and she appeared to be also. When I heard the term ‘babyloss’ it made me think of the other women I knew who had suffered loss in some way…
I never thought I would be counted among them.
I insensitively assumed that loss happened to ‘someone else’. I was healthy, I always had uncomplicated pregnancies, and fast and simple labors. I had a midwife whom I trusted and who had seen me through each pregnancy since my third. She was a licensed nurse midwife with years of experience that almost eclipsed the years of my life.
I could not have been more ignorant.
Just four months after this picture was taken our whole world would turn upside down as we would wait to hear if our daughter would even survive her first day of life.
There are many days I miss the woman in this picture. But then I think about it more…
I would give anything to go back and still have Miranda but I do not want to ever be the ignorant and insensitive woman that I was before her death.
While I do not at all believe that it is God’s will that babies die, I know He has dominion over everything and can take the pain of death and bring forth beauty. I only hope that this path He has me on brings me closer to Him and once again seeing Miranda and the baby we lost before ever setting eyes on.
What was the moment in your life that you realized nothing would ever be the same? Good or bad. How are you moving forward in this new life?
**Capture Your Grief is a 31 day photo challenge created by CarlyMarie. For each day of the month during October (Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness) bereaved parents are encouraged to share their journey through photographs as a way to share the healing process. I am participating in this series and will resume sharing our homeschool journey, recipes, and life in general in November. Thank you for your thoughtful understanding while I share my heart this month.**
Sending love, my friend.
I know I’m further down the road of grief than you are, so I’m sure it’s different. But sometimes I think I have to relive “that moment” over and over again, because I think I faced it, but then sometimes I seem to forget. Something brings me face-to-face with it again and it’s all new and raw and sharp again. I know what you mean about not really wanting to go back and be that old person again, but sometimes I feel like it’s even more elemental–I don’t even know that old me. She was a whole different person. I can watch her life like a movie and THAT DAY is the end of that movie and THE NEXT DAY is the start of a new movie all together.
Thank you for your sharing your wisdom. Blessed to call you friend! <3