Feeling alone…

Do you know the feeling of being surrounded by people and feeling COMPLETELY ALONE?

When it comes to losing Miranda this is exactly how I feel sometimes. There is a storm of emotions that I attempt to keep in check each day.

• I have faced the death of my newborn daughter. But, I have been blessed with five living children.
• I have witnessed just how wrong a homebirth can go. But, I have also had three homebirths without incident and sweet memories from them.
• I have never had to ‘try’ to get pregnant. But, now I hope for the blessing of carrying a baby and it has not happened.
• I have five children that need me everyday so that I can not lose myself in grief. But, I have five children who have lost their sister and speak of her often even at times when I am not ready to face it.
• We are intentional about doing things as a whole family. But, being around babies that are the age that Miranda would be is hard for me, and hearing babies coo and cry is a challenge.
• I get frustrated about some of the daily tasks of parenting my children. But, I thank God He has placed them in my care.
• I can see the unexpected blessings that have come my way because of Miranda’s death. But, it is not always easy to put on a happy face in church.
• I want to be able to resume some of the activities I used to enjoy. But, I can’t stand to be around people that will not acknowledge my daughter’s life and death. 
• I want to be who I was nine months and one day ago. But, I could not forsake the person I have grown to be through these last nine months.

I often feel like I am censoring myself and my feelings. No one is forcing me to but myself. I just can’t deny the feeling. I share things in the different loss groups I participate in but, I often feel I need to qualify everything I say.

I know that there is no way to compare loss. It is such a personal thing.

But, that doesn’t mean that we don’t.

How can I talk about how much I miss Miranda amongst a group of women who have never carried a pregnancy to term when I have five beautiful children?

How can I express disappointment about not being pregnant when I know many women who have never conceived when I did six times without ever ‘trying’?

How do I speak about my belief that Miranda is not an angel when many other loss-moms refer to their lost children as their angels? The last thing I want to do is offend another grieving mom.

How do I blog about homeschooling and family activities and other ‘happy’ things when there is such a huge part of me missing?

It is sometimes difficult to make it clear in my writing; the loss of Miranda permeates EVERYTHING, yet life still continues on. We still have to school our living children, we still laugh, we still do fun things, and we still celebrate occasions… we also visit a grave site.

I don’t get to compartmentalize my life in the day to day like I can on this blog. I live it all at the same time and then neaten it up into understandable portions for you.

Sometimes I’m afraid someone will read what I write and think we’re all ‘okay’ and our loss is just a part of our past. On the other hand I worry that when I write about an specific aspect of loss or grief that someone will read and think I’m just a mess in severe depression. Neither is the true picture.

Loss and grief and recovery are messy business.

On the days I think I’ve got this figured out, it will crumble in the moment that one of my children asks a question that begins with, “If Miranda was alive….?“

The same children that some people think should provide the distraction from what I’m missing, are the very same children that make Miranda’s loss so hard for us. Vince and I don’t get to just trudge through grief together, we have to escort our children through it as well.

So what am I saying?

Every person experiencing loss is experiencing their worst possible outcome. They can’t be compared. They are all unfair. My worst is no easier than your worst. Your worst is not easier than my worst. It all sucks. (Yes, I did say that. I wonder if MJ will see this…)

It seems I can’t even find my niche in the world of loss…

This post is being shared in the Bereaved Mommies link-up at Tesha’s Treasures Please choose to link-up your related post and visit the other participants in the hop.