I wasn’t able to participate in our weekly Family Connections link-up last week because I was in the midst of sorting through my thoughts on the events of my past month. I was worried about jumping right back in to ‘happy’ posting because that would just be insanity for my emotions.
Our theme this week is Celebrations, but as I prayed about how I’d share I realized it was very relevant to my journey along the path after losing Miranda.
As a family we’ve been navigating our way through many celebrations in the wake of losing our daughter.
Thanksgiving (actually Halloween was just a few days after she passed away) was our first holiday without Miranda, soon followed by Christmas, and then Easter, with lots of birthdays mixed in.
There are parts of me that would like to hide under the covers and deny that there is anything to celebrate… but I can’t do that. We still have much to be thankful for and celebrate.
The 4th of July was a difficult holiday for my family growing up.
My 17 year old uncle was killed in a car accident on his way to pick up his boss before work on July 4th in 1981, when I was 4 years old.
The way we celebrated the holiday was changed in an instant.
For many years we didn’t celebrate at all. There were no fireworks, some years there was attendance at a service in his honor, and a meal with the family, lots of time together in support of each other. Over the years it started to change. We slowly started attending or having barbeques and started lighting little firecrackers and sparklers or watching an aerial display.
My uncle Michael’s memory was still honored but we were able to embrace the celebration of festivities of the day as well.
As a young child I didn’t have a full understanding of what it all meant. I was sad remembering his death but I didn’t understand why it meant we couldn’t still have fun. I now know, because I’m looking through the lens of losing my own child, that it is exactly what my family needed in that season of loss.
For our home we’ve made a different choice. With five young children to usher through the grief journey we’ve had to be very intentional about how we’ve approached the holidays on the calendar. Choosing to not celebrate the holidays, even in this first year, wasn’t the decision we were going to make. If we chose to abstain from celebrating this year what would we do next year? We would still need to face those days… and we would still be missing Miranda.
Grieving a loss doesn’t have a neat timeline.
Even after the rawness of loss dulls, there are moments that grab you and take your breath away. Setting an “acceptable” time-frame of mourning by abstaining for a certain number of months or years and then attempting to rejoin into the festivities may give the impression to others that we’re “over it” or are “moving on” without ever really healing.
For our family, my husband and I are choosing to take each of these days and allow ourselves ways to incorporate our memory of Miranda into each of them. There will never be a Christmas that we don’t realize there is a stocking that won’t be getting filled. September 29th won’t just disappear from our calendar (and neither will October 27th).
We have to find ways to redefine how we see these days and be thankful for what we have here with us while we miss the one that is not.
So today as we choose between attending the church barbeque or watching the fireworks display at the Farm Museum, we will have fun and we will celebrate but we’ll also miss Miranda and I’ll remember how last year on this day she was still in my belly and quite active while we sat and watched the fireworks.
Thanks for joining us for week 4 of the Family Connections {for Summer} series, be sure to visit Missional Mama, Our Good Life, Walking in High Cotton, and The Daisyhead to see what celebrations are like in their families. Please join in the hop by linking your post about summertime family connections or celebrations! Please include the button or link back to this site (you can grab the button code from my side-bar). Join us again next Wednesday, when we talk about Outdoor Fun.
Beautiful. <3 Love you. Holding Miranda close to my heart today as always.
Thank you Laurie. <3 I hope I did justice to the memories and feelings I was trying to relay.
4th of July has always been one of my favortie holidays. Now it is a memory of what could have been. A due date that didn’t happen… so in the midst of all the celebration don’t be surprise to see a tear or two be cause of the memories that I miss.
{{Emy}} nothing but big hugs and prayers that today is gentle on you. I’m so thankful for our visit last week and hearing more about your Joy. <3 Love you, my friend!
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that no matter what happens around you, it’s always with you. My sister and I like to say that you never move on, you just keep moving forward. Like someone that loses a limb, you can learn to live without it, but you never get used to it or get “over” it. Things are never the same.
The challenge is in understanding that almost everyone else does get over it while you are struggling to learn how to wade through the new life you have ahead of you. I know things will never be the same, I only hope that the person I am because of it all is better than who I was before and that my reliance on Christ is more about who He is and less about me.
Beautifully written.. Thinking of you always. Miranda is on my mind and in my heart everyday. Love how you touched on the memories of Uncle Michael. <3
Thanks Gee. There was no way of seeing how that tragedy could prepare me for my own but I am thankful for the love and support of family who all grieve together.
Beautiful. I love that you are choosing to honor your precious daughter’s memory so that your children grow with knowing how much she was loved.
Thanks Aurie. It is important to us that our children understand that the decisions we make have reasons. We hope that our honoring Miranda shows them that every one of them is of first importance to us.
I love the fact that you are choosing to focus on the children still with you and carry on with the holidays even when it is tearing you up inside. That is so hard.
I am sorry for your loss and praying for grace for you and your family.
Thank you so much. He is carrying us through.