forgiving myself so that I can forgive others…

It is painful to admit but I have many regrets when it comes to Miranda.

My first regret is that when I found out I was pregnant I was not happy. I felt inconvenienced. I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t understand why God would bless us with another child when I so clearly hadn’t “adjusted well” to our 5th child and I certainly hadn’t gotten into a good routine for homeschooling. Yet He had chosen to bless us with a baby due at the start of the school year. I did get excited, but I regret that it wasn’t my immediate reaction.

I regret taking my pregnancy for granted. My pride and lack of humility was clear. I have always had uncomplicated and uneventful pregnancies. I am completely amazed by the miracle that God gives us in carrying a child, but I took all the little details for granted. I didn’t encourage Vince or the other children to feel my belly during kicks and hiccups, I selfishly pushed away hands when I felt “touched out” instead of encouraging them to all bond with the baby I enjoyed in my tummy. When I went for my ultrasounds I was excited to see that little life on the screen, but I shrugged off the techs offers for more pictures. I assumed I’d have a lifetime of capturing this little blessing with my camera.

I took for granted that my pregnancy would end in a healthy child.

I took for granted that the person I trusted for my prenatal care had the health and well-being of me and my child as the top priority. I regret that I didn’t check into the qualifications of ALL of the women who were doing my prenatal care. I regret that I didn’t ask questions. I regret that I didn’t do more homework. I regret that I trusted someone for SEVEN years and didn’t question that things might have changed over the course of time. I regret that I ignored things that should have caused concern. I regret that I didn’t ask why I saw birth assistants for prenatal appointments and only saw my midwife every other visit.

I regret that I lost my voice.

I regret that I didn’t insist on holding my daughter before the ambulance took her. I regret that I didn’t insist on accompanying Miranda during her transport to Carroll. I regret that I didn’t know how grave the situation was.

I regret feeling arrogant.

I’m thankful that the first thing I did was dedicate her back to the Lord.

I regret not bringing my camera to the hospital sooner. I regret how few pictures I have of her while she was alive.

I regret how unprepared I was for her last day, that I didn’t have clothes that would fit her, that I didn’t bring a dark ink pad for footprints and handprints, that the afternoon went to fast.

I regret that losing my daughter did not make me a better mother to my living children.

Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my sins of my ungratefulness, my pride, my arrogance, my lack of humility, my complacency.

Today Miranda would be three months old.

I know that God is faithful and just to forgive me of my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness.

I pray He gives me the grace to forgive myself and the grace to forgive others who have hurt me.