Beware… whiney pity party ahead!
So you’re wondering where I’ve been? I know how you all enjoy reading my quirky posts about the funny things the kids do, or the nuances of having a home on the market, or my kitchen prowess. Well for the past few days I couldn’t think of anything nice to say. And you know what they say about not having anything nice to say… I’ve been a grump! And now you’re all about to be exposed to it. If you skip this post I will not be offended, I understand, I really don’t want to hear me whine either, but I NEED to vent! So here goes…
I love my husband, I love my children. I am living the dream I always wanted as a stay-at-home- mom. So why am I grumpy and whining? I NEED A BREAK! After having three children in less than 4 years, I am tired. I want a night of uninterrupted sleep, I want to wake up with less than 5 people in my bed, I don’t want anyone hanging off my leg, I don’t want to do a single load of laundry, I don’t want to wipe any butt besides my own, I don’t want to clean a house for a showing, I want to make a dinner and not worry if everyone likes everything I’ve made, I basically want to have some real ME time. That doesn’t sound so bad does it? I just don’t know. I feel like I am wrong for having these feelings, but I think I probably shouldn’t. I have not been away for an entire 24 hours since my children were born (I am not counting the hospital stay when I had Andrew for obvious reasons or the MOPS Steering Team retreat last January since Frankie was with me). Is it true that as a Mom I am to be devoted entirely to raising these kids and being a wife at the expense of a sense of self. I can’t fully agree with that. How can my family be happy if I am not satisfied? I know the biggest part of this whole problem is rooted in my relationship with God. That relationship is not right (wow, that is a hard statement to make). I have been struggling for years to get back on the path that I once so easily traveled. I battle with time to get even a small chance to read scripture. There is no such thing as a daily devotion time. I’ve tried not to get caught up in having a set time or needing to be alone, but I can’t help it, that’s what I NEED. And it’s just not happening. And that emptiness is trickling into everything else. So how do I fix it? Well, if I knew I wouldn’t be writing this. Maybe this is the step I needed, I just don’t know. I have this feeling of everything around me being out of my control right now and it leaves me feeling a little helpless. I know that God IS in control of it all, and that He knows exactly what is happening and how it will all work out. I am just so stuck in the daily living of it that I am just not seeing the clarity of what is further ahead. I have good Christian girlfriends and we do try to encourage one another, but something is still not breaking through. I know I am not alone, there are lots of other women and moms that can relate (and no I am not waiting for you to admit it). So where do I go now, and why all of a sudden is this bothering me so much? Well, yesterday I received my name-tag and confirmation letter for the SU! national convention in July. Why does that matter? Well, it’s a reminder of something I will most likely not be attending. Francesca still does not always sleep through the night (actually she rarely does) so how can I leave her? Also it takes place from a Wednesday – Saturday, so what do I do with the three littles? So there is that one. What else? In September is the MOPS national convention. While that isn’t completely ruled out (yet) how can I even begin to commit to that when I don’t even know where we’ll be? Will we still be here in MD, or will we have moved to PA? I just don’t know. I HATE this state of limbo we’re living in. This stress is not helping anything.
So there you have it. Aren’t you glad you asked? I’m hoping this ‘tude won’t last much longer and I’ll be back to posting the fun stuff I’ve gotten you hooked on. I will make up for this by updating the photo blog be sure to check that out (link on the left side of the screen). I love you all and KNOW that I have support. Thanks for listening to my vent, I’m about to go put on my big-girl panties now…
Don’t worry sis everyone has those days…Sounds like you have being going through alot. You definetly have alot of love and support don’t ever forget that. Love You…
Lisa, you ARE loved, and we do care. Wish I could give you a hand, but being so far away, all I can do is give you lipservice. So here it is…I’m here to witness that survival is EMINENT…”these difficult days WILL pass”…eventually. Not much help, huh. But just hang in there. His plan will become evident to you in time…He’s just preparing you right now, & He won’t give you anymore than you can handle. Maybe you just need to tread water right now, and cut yourself some slack. The conventions will be there for you next year. If it’s in His plan, He will provide a way for you. Keep venting, we really don’t mind. Hugs, K.
i loved reading your post–i feel exactly the same way some days already and my baby is only 5 months old! keep blogging, you have wonderful things to share. (oh and your pictures are fabulous!)
Kelly (a fellow SCS gal)
Wow I’m happy to hear you vent it just means your normal.Getting it out is part of the healing.I think Karen said it perfect.You have so much going on you have to put some things on hold not forever just alittle longer.They wont always need you & when they get older & live their lifes You will miss these days Well not all these days LOL but it does go by fast.Remember a watched pot never boils We love you & I do understand love mom